We Will All Be Judged
A Guide for Those Chosen to be Ritually Sacrificed
Hello, everyone. I wanted to create something joyful to steel us against the frigid winter and bumbling fascism, but all I had in me was biting gallows humor and sarcasm. I will try to do better. After all, it’s the weekend before Mardi gras…
Congratulations! You have been chosen for ritual murder on camera by masked officers of United States law enforcement.
This guide will prepare you and your family for your sacrifice.
After you are shot several times, your assigned Masked Murder Professional will ensure your martyrdom by denying you CPR from a medical technician. This is to allow your family and other bystanders to witness your blood refreshing the Tree of Liberty.1
Immediately after the sacrifice, the ritual scourging will begin. Prior to notifying your family of your death—if they were not present—you will be labeled a Domestic Terrorist. A team of Rage Bait Professionals will scour your online presence and begin the Final Judgment process.
This is to prepare your virtual body for immortality via social media mummification. Your virtual organs, such as online profiles, your employment history, statements from neighbors and former classmates, and anything you were foolish enough to have posted online, will be removed using primitive surgical instruments and placed in electronic canopic jars—viral memes, reaction videos, and AI deepfakes—to be stored for eternity.
Within one day of your death, your sins and virtues will be tallied by the hateful and the grieved, and the jackal-headed god Anubis will take your heart and weigh your sins on the scales of truth and justice.
If your soul weighs more than a feather—for instance, if you were in fact, “no angel,” which is defined as not being a literal angel descended from heaven—your heart will be fed to Ammit, the Devourer of Souls.
Don’t worry! Much like in the television sitcom “The Good Place,” no one has avoided this fate for several hundred years. It won’t hurt, because you are dead. Your family will suffer for you, but you won’t be aware of it.
The Grieved will march in the street and hold candles to your memory, and share your best qualities depicted on posterboard. The Hateful will counter by pillorying your memory, and Rage Bait Professionals will create podcasts, op-eds, and soundbites to ensure the masses that they would never do anything that would make them be chosen for ritual sacrifice. (Won’t they be surprised!)
If there are enough marches, your family may be called to make statements before Congress. Your elected officials will make passionate statements about the need for change. Recordings of these speeches will be used in their reelection campaigns for when soliciting donations.
No actual change will occur.
The next sacrifice will be chosen from those marching in your memory.
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The Tree of Liberty is metaphorical and no literal tree is either promised or implied.