Phil's Last Stand

A Groundhog's Day Noir

Better late than never? This is the story for February 2023. I had a lot of fun with this one, and it is Sarah’s (least) favorite.

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Phil’s Last Stand

by Thomas Pluck

Phil was scared.

Not of his own shadow, but of the three men from ConAgra who'd dropped a duffel bag of green outside his den the week before.

“Six years of long winters, Phil,” he’d said. The man with no neck, and no ankles.  “We’ve had enough. It’s no good for the growing season.” No-Neck deposited the bag, then jerked a thumb at the men behind him. One had a shovel. The other wiggled a hose that trailed back to their Cadillac's tailpipe.

“Our boss, he’s nicer than me. I said to gas your whole family. And I’d love to do it, Phil. When I was a kid, I had a pony. Used to ride him around the back yard, in my little Lord Fauntleroy suit. Broke his foreleg in a gopher hole. The old man made me pull the trigger. Said it would build character.”

Phil wanted to mention that gophers were a different species entirely, but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth.